Ladies, gentlemen, dear friends, and heartless spam-bots!
OMG!! It’s time for the 2nd annual Blogger Blitz event brought to you by Ian of Adventure Rules. I had a freaking blast (even though it was hella hard) partaking in last year’s Blogger Blitz insanity with my shero, Lightning Farron. This year the rules are a little different… Only villains are allowed to play and they are bumbling their way through scenarios the blogging community created in the months leading up to this (very cool idea!). I decided to go with my all-time favourite bad guy, Bowser from the iconic Mario series. Bwahahaha!! Sorry, I think I’m still in character. Ahem.
I was actually on the fence about jumping into the action again this year. Distracting health issues and whatnot, plus I knew there would be extra pressure on me as the returning “champion”. I decided to just go for it and, well, here I am. My primary goal is to have fun. I’m not a competitively driven person at all (probably a big reason why I’m not a fan of multiplayer games) but I do love the community togetherness aspect of Blogger Blitz, a lot! And one of the greatest qualities I admire about Bowser is his ability to lose with style. I certainly want to stay true to his character, above all else. Gwahahaha!
So what is the Totalitarian Teatime scenario I have to put poor Bowser through? Here’s the prompt as described by the awesome host:
“There’s no battle more heated than the witty barbs tossed across a table where tea is being served. Our evil heroes are hosting a tea party for the other neighborhood villains, but their fiercest rival is present at the party to undermine them. The battle for social control is complicated by the fact that every sentence of conversation drains your stamina bar. While the competitors can only restore conversational stamina by focusing on making their tea, the rival has purchased the Enhanced Male Performance DLC and now has unlimited stamina for the party. Is that the only paid DLC they’re using to get ahead? Can our antagonistic heroes still prove themselves socially superior?
Note for this event that the “fiercest rival” mentioned in the prompt does not have to be the opponent of the match, though it can be. Just know that for the purposes of Blogger Blitz canon (PS, there isn’t such a thing), if you put your opponent in your post and they end up winning, whatever you wrote is gonna be reframed or retconned in the results post later. All powers and abilities are legal, of course, but remember that all actions – even social ones – take stamina and the only way to get it back is to focus exclusively on making tea.”
Um… yeah. Bowser is NOT a social creature, ordering his minions around ruthlessly and relying on horrible kidnapping schemes to meet new people. Nor is he adept at the fine art of tea making… I can seriously see him upsetting the table and sending fireballs at all the guests in the hopes of toasting his rival instead. So no, Bowser will not do well in this event. Especially considering Bowser’s Blogger Blitz opponent is Marjolaine from the Dragon Age series. Let’s just say she is highly skilled in the great Orlesian political Game, and a master of the art of seduction. Yep. This event was perfectly designed for Marjolaine’s skillset, right? To quote Bowser: “Crud!”
Oh and you know who is sponsoring Marjolaine? Athena of AmbiGaming, and I almost fainted when I saw that. I consider Athena one of my best friends (including people I know online and offline) who has helped me through so much life crap, and I even write for her website… so this sucks. I don’t wanna compete against a good friend. Alas! Cruel RNG fate… Anyway, we decided to collaborate on this instead of becoming fierce rivals. We bounced some ideas around behind the scenes, and came up with the plan to follow the same basic storyline taking place in different universes so we can put out own spin on things. Sorry, judges… (Psst! Please just vote for Athena’s post [also, everyone should read Athena’s masterpiece entry] *cough*)
And now, in 1,000 words Bowser and Marjolaine are going to work together and help each other best their rivals, while making tea I guess. No one can overcome the power of friendship, even evil friendships! Mwahahaha!!
“Huuuuuurgh! My brain hurts! I can’t keep up with plot points this complicated!” The King Koopa roared, smashing an innocent teapot to pieces in the process.
“Relax, little dragon. We’ll show the Mushroom Kingdom who commands the Game. With my help, that pretty princess will soon be yours.” Marjolaine mused as the villainous friends watched a warp pipe appear in the middle of a grand tearoom below their balcony.
Twas a normal day filled with butterfly chasing and kidnapping schemes for ol’ Bowser, the mighty King Koopa, before things got, well… really freaking complicated. Little did Bowser know, corporate entities outside of his universe, BioWare and Nintendo, had struck a shady backroom deal to provide pricey Dragon Age themed DLC to the latest Mario masterpiece. Without any warning, Bowser suddenly found himself in the middle of an unfamiliar castle – the Winter Palace located in a Dragon Age realm called Orlais. Guess one of Mario’s otherworldly controllers forked over the cash to play this DLC disaster.
Bowser wasn’t alone after he was rudely ripped from his realm. A black-haired woman was there to greet him, and also confused about the crazy scenario, Bardmaster Marjolaine. After some uncomfortably close chit-chat, the villainous pair found themselves exhausted and acting on their uncontrollable urges to make tea. When the tea was brewed, Bowser stomped as a stamina meter refilled above his head.”Who’s the genius that thought tea making was a fun game mechanic?? Grr.”
There was something Bowser didn’t quite trust about this woman, but she wasn’t as cranky as Kamek, and even seemed sympathetic towards his life’s ultimate objective – capture Princess Peach. Bowser huffed and accepted her as his advisor in this realm.
Marjolaine and Bowser watched as an overly cheerful moustached man emerged from the Warp Pipe.
“Gah! Of course plumber boy is here!” Bowser groaned. His mind started racing around a track of amusing scheme ideas. If Mario was here, Peach was vulnerable and alone back home.
Bowser watched as Mario began mingling with the guests and gaining tons of purple coloured Orlais Social Point Coins, without losing any stamina. In fact, the stamina bar above Mario’s head seemed frozen on full. “Grr. Cheater!! Pay to win options are for chumps!”
Bowser’s frustrated rage subsided when he noticed Marjolaine’s eyes focusing on a woman moving to greet Mario. “Hey! Who’s the red-haired chick?”
“Leliana…” Marjolaine whispered. Bowser definitely sensed some history there. He knows exactly how awful it feels when the love of your life escapes from your grand kidnapping scheme, that’s for sure.
The pair discussed the situation, while brewing tea to ensure max stamina before their debut boss encounter. “Mechanics, mechanics… Gah!”
Leliana was most likely there to help Mario. Marjolaine warned that the red-haired Spymaster, her fierce rival and former love, would know about any princess kidnapping plans Bowser created the moment he acted on them. Leliana was just that good. The villainous pair agreed it was best to pounce on their rivals separately. When the boss moment came, Marjolaine instructed Bowser to keep Leliana off her back while she dealt with this Super Mario character quietly. With the promise of at last having the prized pretty princess, Bowser agreed to Marjolaine’s plan without question. Bowser wasn’t sure how to handle a social game… but he was confident he’d figure it out, or set the place on fire. Whatever works!
Suddenly, the fancy music playing in the tearoom changed to a more ominous tune. Guess it was time for the bosses to shine at the social party. Marjolaine slipped off into the shadows to find Mario in an adjacent room. Bowser shrugged to himself and jumped off the balcony, ground pounding into the middle of the crowded tearoom below. The guests trembled with foundation the room as Bowser roared, but quickly went back to their preprogrammed social business when the shockwave subsided.
Bowser scoffed when he lost 1000 social coins along with a quarter of his stamina bar. His stunt was clearly against the rules of the game, but he didn’t care. “Bah! Talking is boring!”
Bowser shoved his way passed the mindless party snobs and stomped over to a tea table where Leliana was standing in shock. He didn’t care that each step took a sliver off his stamina bar, or that each guest who crashed to the floor cost him 10 useless social coins. The mighty King Koopa plays by his own rules. That’s just how it goes.
“That was… quite an entrance.” Leliana spoke softly as Bowser approached her. Bowser was at a loss for words, but he had to keep her distracted while Marjolaine worked her magic on Mario.
“Thanks, red hair! So, ah… do like golf and stuff?” Bowser casually stammered, resisting the urge to just set the tearoom on fire with his breath when he noticed his stamina bar was below half. That would certainly distract everyone, but it could also damage the now locked Warp Pipe that leads back to his prized princess.
“Nice try, Bowser. I know she’s here and I will stop her.” Leliana didn’t buy the inept distraction attempt, at all. Bowser started panicking when Leliana walked away, and towards the room where Marjolaine was working.
“Uh… Mario-Karting is fun! We should totally go do that, like, right now!!” Bowser yelled after her. Leliana acted as if she didn’t hear him and kept walking away. Bowser’s forever scheming mind reached one last desperate plan. “Hey! Isn’t that one of those cute nug things over there?”
Leliana halted and turned with a sense of wonder to look where Bowser was pointing. With no time for thoughts, Bowser plucked a green Koopa shell from his inventory and threw it at Leliana with precision.
The horrified bard was swept off her feet and carried away into the next room. Bowser heard the wonderful sounds of window glass shattering and Mario’s losing tune playing. Looks like the Game was over and Bowser still had one quarter stamina to spare.
For the part of this event I love the most, Ian’s results post, check out Adventure Rules this Friday!
⚡Thanks for reading!⚡
Update: Ian’s epic results post is in!! Go check it out here. I was NOT disappointed at all. Bwahaha!!
If for some odd reason you want to read more of my posts, you can find a somewhat organized (and usually up to date) archive of my ramblings… I mean, articles here!